table for one

I will be the first to acknowledge how truly lucky I am to be exactly where I am - both physically and emotionally - at this point in my life. I am not married, I don't have any kids, I live alone yet my parents are only an hour an a half away (the only thing that would make the situation even more ideal is if my brother was that close as well) so I am free to take this time to make things as much about me as I want to. In other words, I can pretty much make my decisions on my own without having to work another person into the equation. And it's great... for the most part.

You see my friends, I am a caretaker. I just really like doing things for other people - sometimes more than I do for myself. Don't get me wrong, I definitely treat myself well, but I would never, for instance, bake a cake for myself at 11:30 at night and then wake up at 6:30 to frost it before going to work. I really love cooking for other people, and in looking ahead to my adult/married life I have always envisioned myself living in a full, busy house with lots of food and comfort and love. I just love going out of my way to show people that I'm thinking of them, or to acknowledge their significance in my life.

So this is when the whole I-know-that-this-time-that-I'm-taking-for-myself-is-paving-the-way-for-a-better-future thing gets, well, old.

Desire to caretake - someone to take care of + impatience = One Antsy Allie.

That's the thing too - I know that I need to learn the importance of taking care of myself during this time, because I've spent a lot of time in my past tackling other people's issues instead of my own. This is caretaking gone awry - attempting to fix another person instead of focusing on what I need to fix in myself. So that's what I'm doing now, day in and day out - turning over stones, examining them, and then deciding whether or not I want to bring them home to put on display.

Thing is, I'm lonely. Not in a scary, might go off the deep end sort of way, just in a gee, it sure would be nice to cook two chicken breasts instead of one every once in awhile sort of way. I know it will come and that patience is a virtue, but I can't make up my mind as to whether or not I should be putting myself out there more, or if this is exactly where I should be - need to be - in order to be truly ready to bring another person into my life. Odds are, it's a combination of both.

It's been almost six months since my biggest relationship ended. When the breakup was official, I was dead set on committing to spending an entire year alone. Now I'm not so sure. I do know that as soon as someone of interest does enter into my life, a lot of this stuff that I'm rifling through will take a back seat. So for now I'm just going to keep going through the motions of this new life - keeping in mind that whether or not I am consciously trying, I am learning/adapting/evolving/opening up/learning to love myself a little bit more each day.